can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
