If that was your dad, he is hot
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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