I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
