I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
