I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
