my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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