Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
