ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
