My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
