I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
