I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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