I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
