capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
