I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
