I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
