Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
