I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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