we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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