What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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