everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
