look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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