Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sarcasm needs its own font
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
