Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
