Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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