she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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