so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
