Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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