got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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