You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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