If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
