She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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