My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
