I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
