just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I need to calm my uterus...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
