rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
