I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
