Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
