the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
