Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
