Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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