i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
