If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
