I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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