i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
