Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
