Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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