Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
