I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
