Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
