How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
