u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
