Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
